A Dream

I was walking up a trail with my boss. We were on on our way to something and at this particular point, it didn't matter to me where that was. Along the way, we had another responsibility: the lady who normally cared for certain areas of the trees and shrubs along the side of the trail was sick. We needed to make sure that her job was done in her absence.

The trail was long and winding with many switchbacks. It alternated between dirt and pavement and went up a mountain. The plant life on the side was indigenous to the area, but was landscaped and in a pattern. As we were walking up, I realized that I'd been up this trail many times before and knew it well. In fact, I realized that I had memorized every particular portion of the trail that the sick woman was responsible to care for. The two that I remember were 1) A small repeating pattern found many times along side the trail in which a Bonsai tree is the defining characteristic. There were a few other shrubs around the tree that made the pattern recognizable, but the important part to me seemed to be the Bonsai tree. Every time we came by this pattern, the trees always looked identical and the shrubs were always meticulously planted to look identical as well. 2) A larger tree, maybe 10-12 feet in height with twisting branches and not a noticeably large amount of leaves (similar to a Bonsai, but with smoother bark).

As we were walking, I was seeing images of the woman caring for the trees flash through my head. It seemed I was recalling these images so that I could make sure we cared for all the exact same areas she did. Her work was very important to her and I appreciated that. I didn't know who she was, or even what her name was, but I remembered seeing her hard at work on the side of the trail often as I would walk up. I remembered seeing her on her knees, digging around in the dirt at the Bonsai patterns. I remembered seeing her up in the trees with pruning clippers. She would wear a large hat that shielded her face from the sun and always wore work gloves. She had darker skin, although, I wasn't sure if she was Asian or Spanish. I remembered that I would acknowledge her every time that I had walked by her on the trail in the past. We never spoke, I would simply nod my head and she would do the same.

I started thinking about the fact that we had now walked past several of the spots that the woman had cared for and hadn't stopped at any of them. We didn't even have clippers or any other tools to be able to do her job. Then I thought to myself “She just did this work yesterday, how much can shrubs and trees grow in a day anyway? Seriously, some times you're just way too analytical.”

Just then, my boss veered to the right down some stair that led to a beach.

“Were you at the 'Wedding a-la Z?” (*side note- this is my boss in my waking life and he is some times referred to as “Z” and is not married) and I said “Yeah, I was.” as I thought to myself: “You spent a large majority of your time talking with me at your wedding, you dumb ass.”

“It was where we first met, you know.” he said, referring to his new wife.

“Yeah, I know.” I replied. He must have told me that 2 or 3 times at the wedding, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking he may have been to drunk to remember.

We walked along the beach for a short while and came to some bleachers. There were a few people sitting down, waiting for the show to begin and a man was standing up front. He was wearing a suit and holding a microphone. We sat down, but only for a minute. We got back up with several other people and headed to a drinking fountain. There was something odd about the fountain, although I can't really place what it would be. It was made of stone or cement and shaped like a large block with the spout in the middle. Nothing real unusual. As we made our way to the fountain, the group split in to two lines and alternated turns. One line approached the fountain from the front and one from the side. The people were very solemn as they drank from this fountain and it seemed almost ceremonial. When my turn to drink came, I walked up to the fountain, pretended to drink from it and moved on. I wondered if anyone had noticed that I didn't actually drink.

We sat back down at the bleachers and the man in the suit began his presentation. He was trying to teach us something or motivate us, I'm not exactly sure which. I became quickly disinterested in what he had to say as I had heard these types of things many times before. I could tell my boss was not very interested either.

I woke up inside a container. It was pitch black and as I kicked the walls, it seemed round and quite small. I was inside with another person, but I'm not sure who it was. I'm also not sure if they were unconscious or dead. The container was just big enough to hold the two of us or maybe three if we didn't need to move. I began to kick the walls violently and became very angry “THIS IS FUCKED UP!!!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. I could feel my throat burning and could tell if I kept yelling this loud I would certainly lose my voice, but I didn't care. “THERE ISN'T ANY GREEN HERE! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! THERE ISN'T ANY GREEN AT ALL!!!”

I kicked the lid off. It was dark outside and I saw someone running out of the corner of my eye. They were darting between the containers and I was not supposed to see them. The person ran past as I was trying to climb out of the container. I couldn't make out much more than just the person's silhouette as it was quite dark and my eyes were still adjusting. After I got out, I saw the shadowy figure again and tackled it.

It was a young man, but he was not human. He had black eyes and seemed almost lizard-like. He wore a flannel shirt and seemed like he didn't live anywhere and may not have showered for days. I had him in a head lock on the ground and had a knife to his throat (I have no idea where the knife came from). His head was cocked back and he was staring in to the sky with an un-blinking look of panic on his face.

I used a very grim guttural voice and told him “I know what you're up to and I'm going to fucking kill you.” He didn't move or say anything, he just stared up with the same look of panic. I realized that I had no idea what he was up to and that I didn't feel very good about lying about it. I flipped around on top of him and pressed my forearm in to his throat to choke him. (*I started waking up at this point and was only half-dreaming and very lucid by now.) “If you don't tell me what you're up to I'm going to gut you like a fucking fish, do you understand?!” As I heard the words come out of my mouth, they didn't even feel like words I would say, but more words I would hear in a movie and had just repeated them because it was what I thought one ought to say when in my particular position.

I woke up. My body was extremely hot and my skin felt as though it was burning, but I wasn't sweating. I laid in bed for a while, thinking about the dream I'd just had. Then I walked to my computer and began typing....

Learning Fear

(Click picture for a bigger version)

I ventured out by myself because I had nowhere else to go. The place I was headed called me. I loaded up a backpack and headed up into the high mountains of Mukuntuweep. As I began my hike, I realized I was really doing this alone. No one was here to guide me through. No one to talk to (other than myself). I must have come to learn a lesson. What was the lesson?.....

I trekked past many people, giving them polite nods and testing different smiles. The way you smile determines how a person reacts to you. Interestingly, the same smile you give may produce different reactions from different people. The way a person reacts teaches you a small amount about who that person is. For some, a smile is positive and for some a smile is negative. Others choose to ignore it, or even ignore you.

People approach fear and challenges differently. Some confront it because it's the “cool” or “popular” thing to do. Others are overcoming their own personal limitations or inner demons. When you choose to confront your own fear or death, some people applaud you. Other people tell you how stupid or how lucky you were. Others may even look down on you and tell you that you're being irresponsible. The way people react to your fear tells you about that person. The way you perceive their reaction tells you about yourself and your understanding of your fear.

I walked away from the crowds and journeyed in the opposite direction. My quest was different. I didn't intend to overcome fear. Only to learn from and experience the earth. A few miles into my trek, I encountered a weary traveler. I nodded and he only slightly acknowledged me and continued drinking his water. After another mile, my timer went off. It was time to head back if I was going to catch the last bus out of the canyon. On my return, I encountered the traveler again. This time he stopped me and wanted to talk to me. He was weary because he had loaded his pack too heavily. He was afraid he wouldn't make it to his camp by nightfall. I gave him some advice and encouragement. I also let him know that if he got too tired, there were several good spots to sleep off the side of the trail ahead. He thanked me and I continued down.

As I came upon the landing, I realized it was dusk. If I climbed the landing, it would be dark as I reached the top. I didn't think much of it and started climbing. I was making great progress and then I stopped. REALITY CHECK. I noticed immediately ahead of me the trail was a rock bridge. 3 feet wide with a chain on the left. The sides.... an 800 foot drop to the right and 1200 to the left. One slip at any time during the rest of the way... means death. For real this time. This was the first time I truly feared for my life. Sure, I had lived a life up until this point filled with near death experiences. But this time was different. All of the near death experiences I had in my life occurred during a very dark time in my mind. During that time, it made no difference whether I lived or died. I felt that if I died, it would be a “convenient” way to end my suffering in this lifetime.

Tonight, I didn't want to die. I didn't understand it, but I realized that I wanted to live.... and fear became real. I turned around.

After only two steps, I stopped. I leaned against the canyon wall. The chain here was against the wall and there was nothing holding me back from the 1200 foot shear drop 3 feet in front of me. “What am I doing?” I asked myself. “Do I really want to do this? ....and why would I want to do this? There's nobody here. Nobody for miles. If I fell or was hurt, no one would know. If I slipped... if I died, no one would know. It would just be me. Here. ALONE.” I closed my eyes, gripped the chain, and leaned forward. If I let go, I would die. I smiled and took several deep breaths. I leaned back against the cliff and thought “This is the first time I've felt real fear. If I turn around, I will regret it. Forever. I may be faced with fear again, but it will be even more difficult next time. In order to overcome my fears I must acknowledge them, but not fight them. I must move with them and allow the natural path laid beneath the fears to guide me. How can I ever overcome the smaller fears I have in life if I can't recognize the emotion? I need to learn from fear.” I stepped forward. And moved on.

As I climbed it became darker and darker. I reached the landing just before dark. I sat, and watched the valley turn to black. I watched the glow of the lights below become brighter and brighter. I looked around and noticed the mountains were showing their auras to me. Black silhouettes against a beautifully colored glowing dark sky. I smiled and laid on my back.

“Where is the moon?” I wondered. “I was counting on it's light.” I looked around and didn't see the moon anywhere. I realized something. I was among such big cliffs, the moon wouldn't show for several more hours. I began my climb down.

I sensed and felt my way down the rocky cliff line with both hands and feet. I began inching down a particularly steep section of rock and I slipped. My spirit left my body. It returned a few seconds later when I realized I was still on top of the cliff. “Hello, fear.” I said to myself and kept moving. I made it to the bottom of the landing and felt overcome with exhilaration. I moved on.

I decided to run. I didn't know why. It just seemed like the appropriate thing to do. I hit the switchbacks and enjoyed skidding at the the transition of each, hardly noticing how dark it was. As I came out of the last switchback, I realized where I was heading next....

I entered the dark canyon. It was a black I have never known. The canyon walls rose over 100 feet on each side, blocking moon and starlight; creating real blackness. No man made interference here, just natural blackness. The path glowed through the black abyss that never seemed to end. As the tribal drums increased, I began to run. I was running down the path confronting the world head on.... and I was going to win. As I was running, I noticed a set of eyes in the darkness. Staring at.... me.

“No.” I told myself. “It's a reflector from a sign... or a light spot on the rock glowing.... or an animal... but the eyes are too far apart. And they're moving.... watching. Don't watch them. They'll know you're here. Just keep running. There is an end to this trail. And don't pay attention to all those people sitting on the rocks and everything else you've noticed as you've been thinking about this. They mean you no harm.”

As I continued running and trying to ignore the now hundreds of people I'd noticed around me, I saw something. “What was that?” I said as quietly as I could inside my head. “I began to experience a new energy. One that I thought only existed in tortured realities. This thing did not want me here. In fact, it was downright angry that I existed here. Now. In it's space.

“I may die.” I thought. I decided the only way to get through this was to move with it. “Don't fight it.” I reminded myself. I knew I had to speak out loud. I said “I know you see me. And I know you know I see you. I also know you want to hurt me. I'm just passing through. I am here to learn. I mean you no harm. Please allow me to learn and move along. I'm just passing through. I'm just passing through. I'm just passing...”

Just then I heard “...and we make a road for the spirits to pass over.” And the run became different. As I passed the energy, it just crouched and stared. It's malicious gaze followed me as I ran past. The wind picked up with amazing force and I exited the canyon.

I sprinted down the last mile of the trail. Feeling and experiencing a new found heartbeat. I made it to the bottom. Once again, I laid on my back. This time, staring at the landing from ground level.

I breathed.

And I went home.

The Healer

PLEASE READ FIRST!

The above story was taken from an automatic writing session done at 3:00am on 6/8/9. It's a little weird, I didn't know what was written until I re-read it later that day. It's a little long and, should you choose to read it, I suggested you consider the "IMPORTANT MESSAGE" on the right side of this page. Proceed with caution.

Clarity, Creation and Choice

Last night, I came in to a moment of clarity. It was beautiful. I could see and feel and experience more than I ever dreamed possible. I started regressing in to old childhood memories. Some good. Some bad. I remembered slide shows growing up and remembered memories of pictures shown in those slide shows. I remembered when those slide shows stopped. I remembered getting sick. I remembered fainting. I realized that last night was the first time I've ever sat in a "crowded" room and didn't feel threatened, on singled out, or horrified beyond description. I just felt observed. But why? They were there to see the same thing I was there for. A moment of clarity.

Realizing there is energy in water makes it real. Realizing that water is not the only energy in the world makes the air real. Realizing the air is not the only energy makes smoke real. Realizing that the smoke is of the same energy and has a creator makes the coal and the spark real. What an amazingly minute cluster of combustible energy! Realizing that the spark is of the same energy means creator and created are of the same energy. Realizing the spark is not the only energy makes the entire world real.

Later, I realized there was a familiar energy in the room. The events surrounding the realization of that energy are so blurry, I cannot recount them. I also do not know if this familiar energy was from within or without, or if it matters.

I was overcome with a wave of sickness. I tried to convince myself I had the will to push through it. I tried to convince myself that sickness can be purely mental and with enough thought, the mind can overpower the body. I tried. But I was forcing. I was an immovable force. The choice had been made (from within or without makes no difference, either way the choice was mine). I decided to stop fighting. I decided to let come what may.

I threw up. I laid in bed. I spiraled in to darkness. And sleep.

More to come.

It's been far too long.....

since I've written anything on this blog. Over a month in fact. Is it because I'm not that optimistic anymore? Is it because I've undergone whatever change I've been looking for? Is it just because I like cookie dough? or eggs? or Cheeze-Its? or....... I think I'll just write something. Soon. Not this. Something else. Soon. Stay tuned. Be patient. Or don't be. It's up to you.

2 AM Rant

I am lost, but not. I know where I'm going. I just don't know the path to get there. Everything feels so right and everything feels so wrong all at the same time. I love my life and hate it. I want to live and I want to die.

I don't know who "I" am, and I know exactly who "I" am. I know that not knowing is ok and actually much closer to knowing the true self than constantly "searching" for who "I" am and what the label "I" represents. I comfortable with that idea.

I don't want to know who "I" am anymore, I just want to be. The problem I'm having is that I find myself not enjoying being far too often. I feel the reason for that is because I don't want to be who or where I am now, but I want to be somewhere or something else as I don't find the present moment enjoyable.

So the times when I don't enjoy the present moment and the times when I'm not actually in it.

In order to go where I am going, I need to be where I am. There is no other way to get there. I'm realizing that I've spent a large majority of my life living in the future (the past too, but the future is where I spend most my time). I create some great big idea or concept or goal and tell everyone I'm going to do this or that or be here or there. I spend so much time "going to" that I never get there.

This time, I want to get there. This time I will get there. If it kills me, I will get there. I'm understanding that the only way to do that is to take charge of the present moment and accept that I am where I am and I cannot change that without action.

Action - I just looked up "action" in the dictionary because I felt an overwhelming need to. The first definition for action is something done (usually as opposed to something said). Appropriate? Yes.

So I have a new creed when it comes to creating my future. Talk means nothing. Talk is simply sounds jumbled together to describe an idea. Written words are just shapes jumbled together to describe an idea. Action changes present and affects future. If I don't like my present situation, I need to act on it.

I'm tired of sitting around waiting for myself to get it.

Life, Death and Rebirth

Here are a few things I've discovered lately:

1. I died
2. I have been very lost and confused.
3. I have been wandering in post-death contemplation without realizing that I've been contemplating post-death.
4. I haven't been born yet.
5. To be born, I must enter a parallel reality.
6. My life and my death have been specifically designed to prepare me for entrance into this parallel reality.
7. This reality has shown itself to me. And it feels fantastic just to think about.

I printed our passport applications today.

No more waiting.....

I am prepared to live.

Now.

True Focus

Here's a little pic I drew to help myself remember the feeling of true focus. Some day, there will be a digital Photoshopped version, but that may take some time. So for now, this is it.

And so it begins. Tonight I travel to the mountains of Zion. Goodbye.

Journey to the Seventh Level

The following is taken from my "Thought journal" during an all night meditation/contemplation session:

I find myself having the desire to cry more and more often. I haven't yet given in to this desire. I believe the reason is simply a lack of understanding.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm starting to feel and understand death and sadness for the first time. It's not a bad thing. It just is. I am going to die. This is an undeniable truth that I must accept at this juncture.

Death is just the beginning. The other day, I saw a tunnel moving forward and backward at the same time. This grew faster and faster until it ended in an explosion of light. What is the light? It is so many things that it cannot be accurately described in an allotted amount of time. In short, it is death. It is birth. It is myself. It is yourself. It is life. It is God. The list goes on for eternity. All objects, images, people, things, occurrences, instances, problems, situations, solutions, and thoughts are one and the same. This explosion of light is all things.

When I press hard on my eyes, I see things. I see these explosions of light. I see brilliant colors. This is nothing new to me. Recently, I've discovered that I also see a grid. It starts out up close with larger squares. The harder I look and the harder I push, the more the field expands. The squares become smaller. If I look hard enough, the field becomes infinite. The squares begin to lose form, but they're still there. I feel them. There is no denying their existence. There is no denying their intrinsic meaning. What is their meaning? Apparently, I do not need to know at this time. I only need to know of their place in my world and that, for some reason, I allow them to be there. I feel them into existence.

I'm learning that I can manipulate certain aspects of my appearance through thought. I recently came to the conclusion that I needed to change my own mental body-image. I willed a shift. The next day, when I went to work, the first thing that was said to me was "You look skinnier." Now, I don't discount the fact that I've had a dramatic change in physical activity lately and that this change has facilitated a weight loss process, but the change was not publicly noticeable until I accepted it and willed it so. I've also realized that Meisha had noticed a change earlier and I believe this is because the same shift was much easier and less conscious at home, but nonetheless, the results are the same.

I'm experimenting with sleep and the necessity of it; or more interestingly, the lack or abundance there of and the purpose each serves the mind. I understand the purpose that sleep should have for the body, but I feel in many ways, even that is a debatable opinion.

When all factors are considered, sleep has served dual purposes in my life. It has become my enemy and best friend. After all, there is duality in all things. It has been my savior, my escape from reality, my safe place, my rejuvenation. On the other hand, it has largely aided in the demise of the relationship I have with Meisha. It has prevented morning ritual and exercise, and has prevented personal progression.

Now, here's where thought becomes intriguing. "Sleep" can be just another word for "Me" or "My" or "I" or "Ego". After all, all things are one and the same. Now look at the previous paragraph with that in mind:

When all factors are considered, I have served dual purposes in my life. I have become my enemy and best friend. After all, there is duality in all things. I have been my savior, my escape from reality, my safe place, my rejuvenation. On the other hand, I have largely aided in the demise of the relationship I have with Meisha. I have prevented morning ritual and exercise, and I have prevented personal progression.

For my entire life, I've always looked for things and circumstances to blame. The blame doesn't lie with these things or circumstances. It lies with me. These things and circumstances may have caused the problems in my life, but I created them (things, circumstances and problems). I willed them into existence.

*My problem with sleep is self-inflicted and self-created to serve it's purpose to the ego. And so the meaning and relevance of sleep begins to blur.

Through meditation, I was able to briefly visit the 7th level of awareness. In this place I met a guide. I asked him if he had any words to share with me. This is what he had to say:

All things are equal. Become one with nature. Do not depart. Feel the sensations and vibrations that these great Mountains fill you up with. They are here for you. They were made for you. BY YOU. You love the Mountains and I know that. Welcome Home.

Energy

Thoughts while walking to the grocery store 3/15/09

Isn't it interesting that we ingest drinks and pills called "energy"?

Isn't it interesting that many are developing an "energy addiction". Parents are steering their kids away from this energy for fear that their little bodies won't be able to handle this energy in such intense amounts?

Are we compensating for something? Is that why the sudden craze and addiction to "energy"? Are we trying to raise our vibration level via increase in heart rate and blood flow by ingesting these "energy" solutions?

It has been scientifically proven that the earth has a base vibration. For years it has been vibrating at 7.8 times per second. This vibration was believed to be constant and unwavering. Recently, it has been discovered that the earth's vibration has been increased to 8.6 times per second and rising. Are we desperately seeking ways to keep up with this shift in energy and frequency?

What happens if we can't keep up?

There is a new belief system formulating. Society will try to label it. They may try to call it "religion" and try to establish hierarchy and order to this set of beliefs. Those who truly believe in this "new" set if principles will refuse to be labeled as they will understand that a label is just an outside attempt to comprehend the world they've created for themselves. Labels are meaningless.

Whatever IS just IS. Whatever WILL BE just IS.

I've realized that things I put out there in my blogs happen. I'm not talking about recollection of past experience, but of expression of desire for future experience. IT'S HAPPENING.

The amount of sleep I will be getting will cease to have meaning. I am drifting towards insanity.

Days have become irrelevant

The following are thoughts and images from my first day of truly being "alone". I spent my entire day wandering, wondering and observing in silence. 3/15/09

==The world seems different.==

^Animals react differently towards me. v

Possessions are meaningless here.

Trees adjust according to the environmental changes around them. They don't fight it. They just grow. They continually grow and change. They shed old habits and old skin. Their growths is facilitated through cycles. These cycles coincide with the seasons and vibrations of the earth. Trees do not wonder why the earth is doing what it's doing. They simply adjust with the earth. They become the earth.

The trees surrounding the church are dead and lifeless. They are holding on to old dead leaves. They will not let go. The trees at the school across the street are in full bloom. They smell beautiful. They will soon grow green and full to provide for and with their environment.


I learned an interesting thing just now. I forgot to bring my wallet with me and I've grown very hungry and thirsty. I was faced with a decision. Do I take the long walk home to get my wallet and then walk back to the food? Or can I be resourceful and create food and drink for myself? I chose the second option. I was able to manipulate data and energy to cause people at a restaurant to prepare food and drink for me. I did this without using physical "money", rendering it irrelevant to the situation.

I have been born into a world where formless takes form. And I choose the form it takes.

I've created a world bigger than my perception or comprehension. The only thing I need to think about is where I am, NOW.

Walking several miles at a time has become increasingly less difficult. Walking has become a natural state of being. Transportation devices are unnecessary as they have lost their meaning.

Clothes have taken on a unique new representation of expressionism. They are humanity's unique attempt to connect with their sense of self and self image. When this is shared with the world, the sense of self is elevated. Sometimes quite falsely.

Face to face interaction with human beings can be terrifying and confusing when in my current state of mind.

==Life is always meant to be the way it is now.==
===>You created it. You MEANT it to be.<===

Sometimes I leave energy behind. When I pass through it, I receive instant recollection of the event that took place in that location. The thoughts and feelings are recreated within me. I attach the energies to inanimate objects. They serve as visual cues or triggers. I wonder: if someone sees or picks up that object can they see or experience or feel the energy and experience I attached to that object? Can we see the past simply through the objects people choose to attach energy to?

I literally FEEL myself transferring to a different plane of existence. I am stepping out of the world I once new and was so attached to. My environment is losing relevance.

I've always viewed cemeteries as peaceful places. The souls of the "dead" do not reside there. They may appear there frequently because our focus of attention on them brings them to our plane of existence. The formless becomes form. And WE bring it there, not the hallowed cemetery grounds or gravestones.

I saw children fighting. Punching, hitting, slapping, kicking, hitting, tackling, yelling, screaming. Big ones attacked little one to exert dominance. Children are "supposed" to represent innocence, yet here they are, acting violently. Showing evidence of some of the deepest, nastiest tendencies in man kind. Are these actions learned? Are they FORCED by their environment? Why do some children, when faced with violence and adversity retreat to a reclusive state and harbor the acquired feelings within their now decaying host? Why do others lash out and exert these Angy feelings on the world, becoming monsters and patriarchal dictator-esque figures?

The same outside influence causes several very different reactions, depending on the entity being influenced.

The crows are gathering. I see more and more every day. They gather outside of rest homes. They gather in cemeteries and in the darkest, deadest trees they can. They sense a shift. They SEE ultraviolet light. Change is coming and it WILL NOT BE SMALL.

Things you've seen in the darkest of movies are going to come true. They will be accepted as common reality. There will be a day the earth goes dark. Morning will follow. Those who survive will peer out into the sunlight with bewildered confusion and absolute knowingness.

Day Fitfy through Fifty Six

I find myself having a hard time writing anything here today, but I feel the need to anyways. I feel generally positive about things, but can't pick out much of anything specific to be be thankful for. Some of the highlights in the last few days have been-

Good music. I love coming back across an album or a song I haven't listened to in a while. I love rediscovering the small things about music that cause it to play such a big part in my life. I've really enjoyed setting my life to a soundtrack lately. A lonely bus ride listening to Beautiful People and other various Manson creations. A high speed morning bike ride through the tunnel under the freeway with Mindless Self Indulgence blaring. Answering emails to The Mars Volta. A late night grocery store bike run with Things Falling Apart. A most of the day at work drawing session with Sleeping With Ghosts on repeat. Time spent with Meisha, Explosions in the Sky in the background. I love music.

Creative release. I'm really enjoying this whole web design thing. I've got opportunities to design sites from all different parts of life. From a tree business and farm website, to a photographer's website, to a lotion and skin care website, to possibly an "Erotic Stimulus Package" website and much more. I like trying to tap into each world and figuring what a successful part of that world would look like when mixed with my own personal art and style.

Photoshop. I guess this should still fit in creative release, but PS is really a beast of it's own. I've learned so much and so little all at the same time. I love the fact that I can get caught up in picture and spend half the day on it without a pinch of boredom. It doesn't feel tedious, and I love that. I love details and can't wait to be able to learn more so that I can put even more detail into what I create.

Biking. I'm really starting to see this whole repossion ordeal as a blessing and not just another obstacle to overcome. I really enjoy biking. There are definitely times when a car is quite needed and maybe someday I'll get one for those reasons, but I think that if I do, I'll continue to bike as much as possible.

Meisha. Some days I really wonder why she puts up with me. I know I've said it so many times before, but I really appreciate her patience. I treasure every hug, every kiss. I love it when she just lays her head on me, whether it's because she just wants to be close or because she's just exhausted or sick, it doesn't matter. I love her sense of humor, especially when she's "goofy tired". I love and appreciate her more and more every day.

Money. That might sound "greedy", but I figure that I must appreciate money in order to have more of it show up in my life. It's been nice to have enough money to at least stay current on a few bills and buy groceries when needed.

Friends. Even if I don't want it, I have friends who are willing to be there for me. Whether it's just giving me a ride somewhere every now and then, or just offering a ride or a car, or spending an entire Sunday helping me move all my stuff from a garage to a storage unit, or being kind enough to let me fill up a third of a 3 car garage with my stuff for a year, or just someone to talk to or share thoughts with. I have friends who are there for me.

Life. I'm just happy to be here, now. I don't spend enough time realizing that. Life is good. As long as we want it to be.

Day Forty-Four through Forty-9

Why is the number 4 spelled F-O-U-R and the number 40 spelled F-O-R-T-Y? Are really just so lazy that we can't add a U to 40? Just a wonderment I guess.

So life continues to roll along and I continue to be thankful. Life is OK.

I'm thankful that Meisha and I had something to do on Friday night. Even if it wasn't the ideal date night. I really hope we can figure out how to take some dance classes really soon. That would have been ideal, but dinner and Wii works.

I'm thankful that Meisha was cool about dinner and Wii for a "date" night. I know it's not her ideal and I appreciate her willingness to be happy about it and participate.

I'm thankful I had another 2 car Saturday (kind of, still waiting for an approval on one).

I'm thankful that we don't believe in Valentine's day. It sounds like a really nice holiday for those who wish to be lovish and what not, but I'm happy Meisha and I share similar views when it comes to such things.

I'm happy that we went to 25 Main for dinner on Saturday. It sounded like a lot of places were really packed on Valentines. We didn't have to wait to order or to sit. Good food. Once again. Not so good coffee this time. Um... don't have Callie make your coffee. I don't think she knows how. Maybe because she doesn't drink it. I don't know.

I'm thankful that Keith is having me design a website for the farm. I didn't realize it when it started, but this is a much bigger project than Master-Arbor. I really like the challenge it presents and I feel like they should be pretty happy with the amount I put into it once it's all done.

I'm thankful that we got to go see Coraline on Sunday. Cool movie. Cool visuals. Cool website if you click the link.

I'm thankful that Family Guy put out a new episode. I like that show. I've missed it while it was gone.

I'm thankful for doodling. On the phone. In a meeting. During intense periods of extreme boredom, etc.

I'm thankful for the internet in all it's technological glory.

I'm thankful I don't watch the shit that pours out onto news channels everyday. Seriously, how can anyone watch the news and be happy?

With that being said, I'm thankful once again for the ability to shut my office door, turn on some tunage, and NOT listen to the frickin' news.

I'm thankful Jimmy John's delivers. Seeing as how I can't really get in a car and go get lunch =) It's nice when lunch gets brought to you.

I'm thankful that I can sell cars.

I'm thankful that I've sold so many more cars than everyone else in the dealership this month. It makes people leave me alone. It's a lot easier to sell cars when people aren't bugging you about how many phone calls you've made or emails you've sent or comments you've added to cars online. I'm enjoying my month very much.

I'm thankful that I have Thursday off. I'm going to use that day to it's fullest extent.

I'm thankful that Dan moved the internet manager's meeting from Thursday to Friday for me. I really didn't want to bike in for a meeting at 8:30, bike home, bike in for a meeting at 1:00 and at 2:00 and bike home again all on my day off. What a relief!

I'm thankful that Tiffani referred Father Caldwell to me for his web designing needs. I love referrals of any sort, even if I can't help the customer :( I am also happy that I knew someone that could design the type of site Father Caldwell was looking for. At least I was able to help him out in some way.

I'm thankful that I couldn't design Father Caldwell's site. It's inspired me to push hard to learn more and learn faster. Learning is good. And being inspired to learn helps you learn gooder.

I'm thankful that I only have 3 more hours of work in this, my lovely day at work.

I think that's it for this thankful session. I sure have enjoyed typing to you. Come again soon, yo. Peace to yur Moms. I'm out.

Day Thirty Eight through Forty Three

I'm thankful that I was able to leave work on Saturday in time to deliver a car and still get to the surprise b-day party for Chris.

I'm thankful I somehow was able to sell 2 cars in a few hours on Saturday.

I'm thankful that I was able to time the delivery of the above car to be able to drive it up and be able to attend the above b-day.

I'm thankful Dallin and Nadya came to pick us up from the mall. They (and Seth) made the whole thing possible.

I'm thankful that I'm not someone who goes to the Tavernacle every weekend to drink. It seems to me that it's probably the same damn thing and the same damn songs week-in and week-out. Fun for a once-every-so-often occasion.

I'm thankful that we ordered pizza and that it was pretty damn good. I really needed food by the time it came. Meisha did too. We both hadn't eaten in a long time.

I'm thankful that Meisha gave me the opportunity to redeem myself by shaking my bootie in front of the whole bar. (Not thankful that I had to shake it, but thankful that Meisha really forgave me and moved on with the night).

I'm thankful that we were able to stay at the Hampton Inn and that we took a cab ride home. It took a lot of pressure off.

I'm thankful for the waffle I had with my continental breakfast. No peanut butter, so I tried cream cheese and syrup. Super fatty, super tasty. Good idea.

I'm thankful that we all ate at Johanna's Kitchen as I (and no one else, coincidentally) had never been there. Good down-home-cookin food.

I'm thankful that we had sufficient time to relax before getting on the bus to go home.

I'm thankful that I didn't have to drive home.

I'm thankful that Meisha and I were able to stay entertained on the bus ride home ;)

I'm thankful for our walk home from the bus. I really enjoyed it. Especially the part somewhere around Albertson's ^^

I'm thankful that I ended up being the person who sold the most cars over the weekend, hence earning another free car deal as a bonus. Hooray for me.

I'm thankful that riding my bike everywhere hasn't been as bad as I imagined it to be.

I'm thankful that Meisha and I get to ride the same bus to work in the morning. It's funny, we usually don't say much and just sit there, but I still enjoy the time.

I'm thankful that everyone is so concerned by the fact that we don't have a car, but seriously- WE ARE O.K.! The world has not ended. All 4 of our combined legs still work. We want to own the situation we're in and learn from it. I really don't want to argue with people everyday and tell them I don't need a ride. But Thanks, I know you're concerned and care, so Thanks.

I'm thankful for my day off on Wednesday.

I'm thankful that I was actually able to get everywhere I needed and run all my errands by bike/bus.

I'm thankful to have a new seat on my bike. My ass feels like I was kicked repeatedly by an agry cowboy with steel toe boots. Not a good mental picture, not a good physical feeling.

I'm thankful that I was able to find some new clothes for work. I really needed them.

I'm thankful that I got a new backpack to carry my laptop in. Biking is seriously 100 times easier now.

I'm thankful that I still had a little left on my In-N-Out gift card. I got a #2 for 89 pennies. You can't beat that. Even if the food is greasy.

I'm thankful that I was able to have lunch with Meisha. That was definitely a nice time.

I'm thankful that Meisha bought me a ceasar salad. Tasty. Cheap. Perfect.

I'm thankful that I had some time left over after all of that to fix the stereo, do some laundry and work on my Mexican Wrestler drawing. Hopefully it will be done soon *crosses fingers*

I'm thankful that I have been able to drink 64 ounces of water so far today. I hope this new biking, walking, etc. thing gets me in good shape.

I'm thankful that we finally got the nightmare of figuring out Kevan's website done. Hosting, transfering, set up emails, set up blogs, set up feeds, change I.P. addresses, yeesh!

Until another day......

Day Thirty-Three through Thirty-Seven

Life is funny. We come up with things we really really want to do for ourselves and yet, we find reasons why we don't have time or don't want to do them. I'm speaking for myself here. I love the feeling of expressing all the things that I'm thankful for on a daily basis. I love looking for those things as I go through my day. I really changes a lot of things about life when you spend the majority of it being thankful for each and every thing around you and all the things that happen to you, good or "bad".

I'm not really sure why this has been such a hard thing for me to keep up on lately and why I've come up with so many things that I've felt at the time were more important than expressing thanks. What am I trying to say? Not really sure. I'm just saying is all. Anyways, no more promises to do better. No more apologies. I will express my thankfulness when I'm compelled to do so. Hopefully that continues to be on a daily basis. I've decided that I've given my thankfulness too much structure. I think that's the problem with a lot of other things in my life too- too much structure. Thankfulness is love, and trying to put structure to love is like trying to (insert your own clever phrase here). For that matter, life is love, and too much structure reduces quality of life.

So this blog will remain. It will continue. It will just lack structure. Don't cry. I'm not. Life will be OK.

With all that being said, here are the things I can remember being thankful for this week:

I'm thankful for water as it eventually helps me get rid of headaches. Not to mention all the other wonderfully beneficial properties as well.

I'm thankful to be learning so much from just my first Photoshop tutorial. It's crazy how much that program really does if you just learn even a little about it.

I'm thankful that I've felt so optimistic over the last while. There have been a lot of challenges coming about lately and they would sure be hard to handle if I was pessimistic about them.

I'm thankful that I stumbled back upon listening to VAST. What a great band. Yes. True. Click the link. Give 'em a listen. Seriously, good. I'm pretty sure we're going to see them on May 23rd - YIPPEE!

I'm also thankful for VAST radio on Pandora. I've found some other purdy dang killer artists on there as well. Some of my favorites: Kasabian, Paradise Lost and Kent.

I'm thankful for Prosperity Paradigm. Really great book so far and I only just started chapter 2. I'm unbelievably excited to continue reading. It's crazy, this guy almost completely paraphrases my religion post from Cognitive Hallucinations, but at the same time goes into much more detail behind it. VERY interesting stuff. Plus, he unites the concepts of spirituality with money, abundance, prosperity, health etc. Now, to make the time to continue reading.....

I'm thankful that I sold 2 cars on Wednesday. They were both really easy deals, too. I will be very thankful when all my deals start to go that way every day *wink, wink to the universe*

I'm thankful that I had enough time after sales meeting on Thursday to spend some time drawing my lovely Mexican Wrestler before I had to return to work.

I'm thankful that Angelo, the repo man was such a nice guy. He even gave me a bag to put all my stuff in before he took away my Maxima. He really seemed to be sincere in feeling bad for me, which was nice. But now I don't want any one else feeling bad. Because I don't. Angelo did the job for everyone. Good work Angelo.

I'm thankful that Nissan finally took my Maxima. It's definitely a shocker and a wake up call. I'm thinking I must have needed that pretty bad.

I'm thankful that following my roughly 2 hour period of somberness after the Maxima was gone, I was over it, and happy and thankful and excited and relieved and positive. What a grand new adventure I have in store!

I'm thankful that Troy knows as much as he does about bankruptcy and collections and what not. I'm especially thankful that he was so willing to sit and help talk through things with me and give me advice.

I'm thankful that the people I work for do care enough about me to be concerned. It sucks being the pitty person when you don't really feel bad about something yourself, but I'm glad they care.

I'm thankful that Ricardo gave me a ride home.

I'm also thankful that Ricardo bought me a chicken fajita burito and a Pepsi from Albertos to make me "feel better". I guess it worked because I was hungry and my stomach felt better after I ate. I really hope people stop thinking that I should be distraught very soon.

I'm thankful that Meisha and I were able to have a calm, collected conversation regarding our financial situation. I'm also thankful that Meisha has been so supportive of me, through everything. This will be quite the challenge and her positivity and willingness to accept responsibility and consequences continues to be an inspiration to me.

I'm thankful that Dallin called and we were able to work out a plan for tomorrow. We get to go to Salt Lake after all! Woo hoo!

I'm thankful that Meisha and I get to take the same bus to work in the morning. It's weird, I'm actually looking forward to that.

I'm thankful that I was able to fix the wind noise on the Tiburon I sold. If I couldn't it would have been a pain in the ass and quite complicated.

I'm thankful that we watched X Games while eating lunch instead of the stupid MTV dating shows that are usually on.

I'm thankful that I'm going to be able to get off work by 3 tomorrow so that we can make it to Salt Lake in time. It will be nice working such a short day. It's been a while since that's happened.

I'm thankful for my current attitude about my thankful blog.

I'm thankful for my current attitude about life.

That's it. Thanks for reading. May your day be filled with .... um .... whatever you want it to be full of. If you're not sure what you want it to be full of, then may it be filled with the delicious filling from the fantastically tasty eclairs from Harmon's that I am also very thankful for.

Day Thirty Two

I'm thankful that the house was pretty much clean today so we didn't have to do too much pre-game cleaning.

I'm thankful that we found a cool TV watchin' USB device at Best Buy. It wouldn't have been too much fun to watch the Super Bowl in James' hotel room. I like my projector. And I like room to move.

I'm thankful for veggie trays from Costco. I swear I could probably live on those if I had to.

I'm thankful that we at least had a couple people come over to watch the Super Bowl.

I'm thankful for our newly found Tom Collins drink. It's pretty good and gets right to the point. X)

I'm thankful that Meisha seemed to not have too much of a boring time. I know she was bored, but at least it didn't appear unbearable.

I'm thankful that James bet on the Super Bowl. It made it a lot funner when we were actually routing for some purpose.

I'm thankful for The Office. Especially THIS EPISODE because it's an hour long and maybe I'll actually watch it later - Meisha and I fell asleep on each other within the first few minutes of trying to watch it. We must be really sleep-deprived or something. One day we'll figure that out.

I'm thankful that there are left over goodies from the game. I'm going to enjoy them over the next few days.

I'm thankful we got a pizza from Costco and not some delivery place. Seriously, SO much better.

Day Thirty One

I'm thankful that January is over (pretty much). I'm ready for a new month.

I'm thankful that my month turned out OK. It wasn't really good or great, but OK is a hell of a lot better than bad. I'm OK with my OK month.

I'm thankful that we had Great Harvest sammiches for lunch. I don't know if we've ever had them, but we should have them much more often.

I'm thankful that I got to leave work at a fairly decent time. Sometimes it's really nice not to burn.

I'm thankful that Meisha was OK with having a Super Bowl party at our house. It's the only football game I watch anymore and I'm thankful that she was so understanding of that.

I'm thankful that we had something to do tonight.

I'm thankful we got 3D glasses for free at target. It's funny. I really wanted 3D glasses and here they come, popping into my life. Now I just have to find a clear piece of red plastic to get them to work for my purpose. They are blue and yellow 3D glasses. Who makes 3D glasses like that? Seriously.

I'm thankful that we took a late night trip to Mesquite. It was fun and a good time filler for the night.

I'm thankful that James came to Mesquite with us. We had us some good music talk. I like a bit of music talk now and again (is that even a real phrase?)

I'm thankful that I've actually done a whole month (kind of) of thankful blogging. Here's to many many more.

Day Thirty

You'd think that a day that was a only a few days ago shouldn't be so hard to remember, but it sure is for me. Maybe if I actually start doing these things on the same day, it'll be a lot easier. Anyways:

I'm thankful that I was able to have some time to get the house cleaned before Meisha got off work.

I'm thankful that we ended up deciding to go to dinner at Red Robin. I sure like me some Red Robin.

I'm thankful that I got some much needed sleep (apparently). We got home and ended up just falling asleep on the couches until about 2am. Got up, went to bed, and proceeded to even sleep in the next morning.

I really don't remember much of anything else about this day, so there it is.

Day Twenty Nine

1. I am thankful that I finished (mostly) my first commercial web page today. It's nice to know that I'm actually going to get paid to do this, plus I really enjoy it.

2. I am thankful that my client agreed to the price I asked for the web page without hesitation. I was a little worried that I was asking too much for a first page, but really, I think it looks a hell of a lot better than a lot of pages that I'm sure cost a lot more.

3. I am thankful that the James' invited us to dinner at Texas Roadhouse. It was nice to see and talk to all of them and the food was pretty dang scrumptious.

4. I am thankful for steak. I don't eat it very often, so it's happy times when I do.

5. I am thankful that I can finally start to tell people that things are truly getting better. It's a nice feeling and really what I think is needed in order for things to continue to get better. It's pretty damn hard to progress when you're telling everyone how tough times are all the time.

6. I am so very very thankful that we were actually able to pay some rent. I've felt like such a mooch over the last few months. It felt really really good to hand Keith a check.

7. I am thankful that I was able to pay off two outstanding debts today (plus another one yesterday). Things really are getting better.

8. I am thankful that I had time to get Starbucks for Meisha before going to dinner. I always like being able to come through and do nice things for her.

9. I am thankful that the wait was so long at Texas Roadhouse. Meisha was going to have to take the bus home and not have dinner with everyone. The wait was long enough that I was able to pick her up and bring her to dinner just in time.

10. I am thankful that I don't have kids. I'm not jealous of anyone with kids. Never have been. I think they are so much funner when you can hang out with them, play with them and then GIVE THEM BACK.

Day Twenty Eight

1. I am thankful for the new Photoshop magazine and tutorials I have. I learning a ton.

2. I am thankful I didn't have to work until 11. Sometimes it's really nice to just have some time in the morning.

3. I am thankful that Sal and I bought a HUNORMOUS sandwich fr0m Harmons and that it's lasted for pretty much 3 days worth of lunches.

4. I am thankful that Ricardo hates vegetables. They got lunch at Outback and he gave me his veggies. Outback has tasty steamed veggies.

5. I am thankful to have new business cards. They came just in time, cuz I almost ran out of the old ones. Plus these are in color with my picture on them. They look much better.

6. I am thankful that my aunt Trudy sent a referral in to me. I don't think they're going to be able to buy a car because they owe too much on their truck, but it's always nice to get referrals and know that I have family that actually remembers I sell cars and sends other people to me.

7. I am thankful that I have the internet at work. We haven't had it at home for a few days and it's been partly nice and partly not. It's crazy how much of our lives revolve around the freaking internet. What the hell did we used to do? Play with sticks and rocks or something? Hmmm.

8. I am thankful for Mtn. Dew. It's a delicious beverage of the citrus-ish variety. And I like it.

9. I am thankful that someone invented post-its. I use a lot. They keep my head on straight and help remind me to do all kinds of shit. If you see a post-it today, be sure to tell it Thank You.

10. I am thankful that I've been so excited to do web design and use Photoshop and what not. It's always nice to be excited and I am so ..... woohoo.

Day Twenty One through Twenty Seven

Um.... I've been on vacation from just about everything, including posting my thankfulness. I am recommitting myself at this moment, yet again, to being much better at this. So much of this last week has been such a weird blur. A lot has happened with life and where I thought things were going versus where I think things are going now. Here's everything I can remember (which isn't easy for a scatter-brain like myself):

I am thankful that my work week went by fairly quick.

I am thankful that the people Meisha works with turned out to be pretty fun people to hang out with. I was a little nervous.

I am thankful there were at least a few more people at The Office this weekend. It felt a little livelier than last time, which I think was good for the people we were with. They probably had a little more fun that way.

I am thankful that we actually had fun at The One and Only. I haven't ever had much desire to go there and don't necessarily have much desire to go back, but we had fun.

I'm thankful that I have a wife that likes to dance. I don't think I'm very good, but we still have fun.

I'm thankful that John (or Jon- I don't know) and April actually want to hang out with us again. We've hung out with so many people since we've been in St. George and it's nice to have people who want to continue hanging out.

I'm thankful that at least woke up when Michael rang the door bell on Saturday. He texted me twice and called me twice and I slept right through. Maybe I need to set a doorbell ringtone for my alarm =)

I am thankful that I didn't have to drive to Brian Head. I was tired and it was nice to relax on the way.

I'm thankful for free ski passes. Skiing is always more fun when you don't have to pay!

I'm thankful that Michael had some hook-ups at Brian Head and got me some poles. I think mine are in storage. It would have sucked to hit some of the flat spots we did without poles.

I am thankful for soup in a bread bowl. One of the best cold day meals ever.

I am thankful that we were some of the first people on the chair lift. Fresh tracks are something everyone deserves to experience at least once in life.

I am thankful that I was able to recognize that being really out of shape when skiing should motivate me to work harder instead of making me think that skiing and my body just suck now. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it does to me and that's what matters right? Right.

I'm thankful that I was able to ski all but one hour of the day without breaking anything or blowing my knee out. I was in a lot of pain, but nothing broken XD

I am thankful for the hour I had sitting in the truck waiting for Michael. It was a nice relaxing wind down and I needed it very much.

MOST OF ALL... I am thankful Meisha let me go skiing while she stayed home. It was extremely nice of her.

I am thankful that Mickey and Heather re-introduced us to the Mongolian BBQ. Good food and a nice break up of the normal food we usually get.

I am thankful that neither of us had to work on Monday so that we could go to Vegas with Heather and Mickey on a whim.

I'm at work and have to go home now. More to come later.....

I am thankful that Mickey and Heather already had a hotel room and let us stay with them.

I am thankful that we were able to just walk the strip, not gamble and still have a lot of fun.

I am thankful that I always have the best looking wife in the bunch ^^

I am thankful that I don't have to deal with a lot of the emotional issues that everyone in our group seemed to be dealing with in one way or another.

I am thankful the Dan Marino's had good food (and that we were able to find anything at all at 3:30 in the morning). Usually the 24 hour in-hotel places kinda suck.

I am thankful that the bed we slept in was slightly comfortable for a hotel bed.

I am thankful that we went back to Dan Marino's for breakfast. Good food. Again. I love breakfast buffets.

I am thankful that Meisha decided to stay a little longer and sleep in. It wouldn't have been fun to drive back so early. Especially for the reasons we would have had to.

I am thankful for the Oakley store. I love just about everything Oakley makes. It's all beatiful to look at.

I am thankful we went to Seattle's Best for coffee instead of Starbucks. They seem to always have people who are truly passionate for coffee (and they always make it better). Chocolate shavings, whipped cream with caramel drizzle on top... OOOOOOOhhhh baby.

I am thankful the drive home from Vegas wasn't too bad and I didn't even get tired.

I am thankful Meisha and I had most of the day on Monday to talk. It seems like we always need to talk, but I almost always feel better when we're done.

I am thankful for the decision Meisha made. It TRULY made me happy.

I am thankful that Meisha let me get a Red Box movie. The movie kind of sucked, but it was nice to let my brain slow down from the weekend's events.

I am thankful for sleep. In my "own" bed. And freshly washed sheets. And sleep. Did I mention sleep?

I am thankful that we didn't sleep in terribly late this morning. Only 1.5 hours late for work :) oops.

I am thankful Kevan called me about something this morning so that I could be thankful for the thankful above.

I am thankful nobody really got mad at me for being late. It just would have sucked this morning.

I am thankful that I don't have to work every day. I realized after being back, that I really didn't miss it. AT ALL.

I am thankful that I didn't fall too far behind anybody on the sales board while I was gone for the weekend. 1.5 cars and I'm back on top!

I am thankful that I didn't have to work as late as Meisha did. I know she is not liking her job right now and had a tough day. I'm glad she's doing her best to at least not give up working. I'm thankful for that.

I am thankful that we have enough money to pay some rent this month.

I am thankful that I don't have to work until 11 tomorrow. As long as I don't get drug into work stuff while I'm home, I sure will enjoy my time in the morning.

I am thankful that I came up with a schedule again. It's a hell of a lot easier for me to do all the things I should be doing when they're on a schedule.

I am thankful that Meisha is here,(at home)now, asleep and not anywhere else. Again and again and again, I am just thankful for Meisha.

Day Sixteen through Twenty

Now in my defense, I actually already had days sixteen through nineteen typed out in one big post, however the post mysteriously disappeared into oblivion.  The internet gods (or goblins) have eaten it.  So I type again.  I'm not going to do ten for each day because technically, I already did and really I feel I've already accomplished the purpose of this blog for those day.  But I still would like to see that I've written something so here goes (again):

I am thankful that I was able to stay home all day on Friday.  It was my day off, but I didn't think that I would be able to take it since I already took 2 sick days last week.

I am thankful that Sal stayed late so that I didn't even have to come in and work the evening.

I am thankful that I was somewhat productive on Friday.  Both sick days I really didn't do much and it felt good to stay home and at least accomplish something.

I am thankful that I was able to have lunch with Meisha again on Friday.  It is definitely nice to be able to do that every once in a while.

I am thankful that I stayed busy on Saturday.  Getting back into the swing of things is really tough for me when we end up just sitting around.

I am thankful that I sold another car on Saturday and again was the closer on the deal.  I feel like I never want to go on another test drive again.

I am thankful that I was too late for the free lunch on Saturday.  Panda Express isn't that good and it caused me to find a wonderful new Chinese place - China Palace.

I am thankful that the lunch special at China Palace are only $6 and come with a lot of food.  I'll definitely have to remember that.

I am thankful that I had enough money to pay for Tif's lunch.  She didn't get any lunch either and I felt really bad.  I felt really good being able to make sure she ate.

I am thankful that we went to have drinks at The Office with Adrian and James on Saturday.  It was really nice and a very cool place to hang out if you just want to have drinks and maybe talk and play pool.  Good times indeed.

I am thankful that Adrian paid for all our drinks.  I really didn't mind paying for myself, but it's always nice when someone else covers it.

I am thankful that Meisha and I got in a fight on Saturday night.  It caused us to have a much needed talk Sunday morning.

I am thankful for lazy Sunday mornings.  We really didn't do much of anything all Sunday morning and it felt nice in a way.  I really wasn't up for doing much.  

I am thankful for breakfast at Bear Paw - always delicious.  Good food and another good talk.

I am thankful for Barnes & Noble.  It's a much nicer place to sit and talk and have Starbucks than Starbucks.  Not so good coffee that time, but still a really good talk.

I am thankful that Meisha and I were able to have some real thought out and meaningful conversations on Sunday.  I think we both learned a lot about ourselves and each other and what we need to work on.

I am thankful for our evening trip to Best Buy and for our late Christmas present to ourselves on our Best Buy card :)  It made the evening a much more exciting time than the morning.

I am thankful we found the spin park off of Tonaquint.  It's a really cool place and I'm sure we'll be back for much fun and picture times!

I am thankful for the random photo expedition Sunday night.  It was a heck of a lot of fun and we got some really cool pictures out of the whole deal.

I am thankful that Meisha actually played Tendo with me.  I know it's not her favorite thing in the world and I really appreciate the effort.  I know she loves me  =)

I am thankful for Mondays.  We wouldn't know it's the beginning of the work week without them. =)

I am thankful that I don't really remember much about Monday anymore, so I can skip to Tuesday on this thankful list.

I am thankful that I worked late today.  I got some much needed extra sleep and extra time before work.

I am thankful that I had enough time to clean the house before work.

I am thankful that my cousins and uncles come to me to buy cars and trust me.  It's nice when you tell someone that a car is a good deal and they believe you instead of needing to consult with several other family members to confirm that they're really getting a good car at a good price.

I am thankful that I can still eat at Arby's.  Mainly because it's one of the closest places to work and home.  And most fast food places seem to make me feel really crappy.  Arby's doesn't (yet).

I am thankful that my day went fairly quick.  Most of the times, late days seem to drag.  I stayed busy enough that this one didn't.

I'm thankful that hanging out with James caused him to share his website with us and also caused him to ask me to redo his website.

I'm thankful for Durango's.  I think I've been thankful for them before, but it's OK, I'm thankful again.

I'm thankful that my hands didn't cramp up too much when I was giving Meisha a neck and shoulder rub.  Sometimes they cramp and hurt a lot.  It's nice when they don't.

I'm thankful that the video we ordered from Netflix comes in a 3D version too.  Now to find some 3D glasses.  I can't really figure out why they did it in 3D, but maybe I will once I find the glasses ;)

I'm thankful that I'm done typing thankfuls for now.  My hands need a break.

Day Fifteen

Today is a particularly hard day for me.  I've been home, sick, and pretty much unhappy with the way things are going.  But I guess these are the types of days I should be most thankful.  After all, that's kind of why I started this.

1.  I am thankful for text messaging.  I really didn't want to call in sick today.  I hate calling.

2.  I am thankful for all the movies on my laptop.  Tough day, didn't want to do much.  Movies aren't always the best thing for that, but today a movie helped.  I was having a really hard time being in my head today and it was nice to take a bit of a break.

3.  I am thankful that I see that I'm unhappy with the place I am in life right now.  Now I know I have to change it.

4.  I am thankful that I was able to have lunch with Meisha today.  It was nice.

5.  I am thankful for the talk I had with Meisah today.  It helped.

6.  I am thankful for the level of success I've experienced so far in my career.  I'm not feeling like I've accomplished much in life today, but looking back on the things I've done and created, I feel OK.  Not fantastic, but at least OK.

7.  I am thankful for my feelings.  They are there to help me with tough life decisions.  I know if I paid more attention to them, a lot of my decisions would be easier.

8.  I am thankful for Meisha's patience and understanding.  I feel like I've really strung her along over the last several years chasing whatever it is I've been chasing.  I love and apprecitate her for sticking through all of it with me.

9.  I am thankful that I've only had 2 internet leads today.  It wouldn't have been a good day for a bunch to come through.

10. I am thankful that I get to see Meisha in 30 min or so.  I'm really looking forward to just being with her tonight.

Day Fourteen

1. I am thankful that I didn't have to wake up early today. I needed the extra sleep.
2. I am thankful Meisha's hair turned out well. It sure is nice to look at =)
3. I am thankful that I had to work late today. I woke up with a migraine and I was at least able to sleep some of it off after I dropped Meisha off for work.
4. I am thankful that I'm not a dick like me customer on the Altima today. Life wouldn't be any fun if I went through it with an attitude like his.
5. I am thankful that I stood my ground with the above "dick" customer. He didn't buy a car and that sucked, but we would have lost money at the price he wanted. We could have come down $100 or so, but I explained to him that we deserved to make some money and if he wasn't comfortable with that, we just couldn't do business. He wanted more money off and walked out. I prefer not to do business with people like that and it felt good not to kiss his ass and to just let him walk away.
6. I am thankful for the Vior's sandwich I had for lunch today. Chicken Panini(I think that's how it's spelled). I was delicious and not too hard on my stomach.
7. I am thankful that my stomach isn't in pain too much today. I only want to throw up and that's a pretty good improvement from yesterday.
8. I am thankful that I'm taking the time to write these thankfuls right now. I've been running around all day and really don't feel very well. It's nice to take a break and still look busy.
9. I am thankful that I still have a car. The back of our dealership is filling up with more repos every day. It's unbelievable, we used to get 1-2 repos a year, now we get 5+ a month. I'm glad I'm not one of them.
10. I am thankful that you can download just about anything about anything you want on a podcast. I'm going to learn about Buddhism. I don't see myself every becoming part of any religious machine, but I've been curious about Buddist philosophies and I'm always excited to learn new things. I've been doing so much money and business learning lately, it will be nice to learn something of a spiritual nature.

Day Thirteen

1. I am thankful for sick days. Being sick sucks, but taking a break from everything is nice.
2. I am thankful that I got the tablet working for my laptop. Photoshop is so much easier with a tablet.
3. I am thankful that I had time to play with Meisha's pictures and learn a little more about Photoshop.
4. I am thankful that Meisha and I got to spend lunch together, even if all of it wasn't completely together, it was still nice to see her.
5. I am thankful that Meisha was nice enough to go get Powerade and Sprite and yogurt at Smith's for me. She takes good care of me (even when I don't take advantage of it or realize it)
6. I am thankful for Ramen noodles. They're cheap. They're easy. And no matter how much I complain, I'm still OK with eating them every once in a while.
7. I am thankful that I was able to do some of the dishes. Hopefully I can finish the rest soon =)
8. I am thankful that I won't have to watch Ali G In Da House again. Honestly, I had much higher expectations after seeing Borat first. Ali G
9. I am thankful that Meisha talked to me before bed. I feel better about our situation in a lot of ways.
10. I am thankful that Meisha still goes to work everyday and understands that she's helping. I hope I can start to do my part VERY SOON.

Day Twelve

1. I am thankful that I could wear a sweater today and didn't have to iron my shirt.
2. I am thankful that I made it to work 5 min. early. It always feels nice to start the day that way.
3. I am thankful that I didn't have to drive anywhere to get lunch. I'm glad Lyle picked it up for me.
4. I am thankful for my realization that I will NEVER eat McDonald's EVER again unless it's a life or death situation. I'm pretty sure it gave me food poisoning. I won't miss McDonald's.
5. I am thankful that I had a lot of leads come through on Sunday. I was able to sit for most of my day today listening to music and sending emails.
6. I am thankful that Dallin called me about a car. I hope I can help him find a good one or at least give him good advice if he finds one.
7. I am thankful that people read my blog. I started it just to get things out there and to get in touch with myself and who I am, but it's kind of nice that (a couple) people care about what I put on there.
8. I am thankful that Meisha didn't get mad when I fell asleep in the movie we watched. I really wasn't feeling well and I think I definitely needed the sleep.
9. I am thankful for Durango's. Good food. Cheap if you only want a small salad (and we always only want a small salad) and not too hard on the stomach.
10. I am thankful for Darkly and Moki. They might be annoying sometimes, but in the end, they're good company.

Day Eleven

1. I am thankful that we actually came up with a few things to do this Sunday.
2. I am thankful that Meisha let me take pictures of her. I'm not a photographer by any means, but I like to pretend. It really makes me want to get any kind of SLR camera again. I don't even care if it's a cheap hand-me-down from the 70s. I just want to have some control over the photos.
3. I am thankful that we were able to find some earings for Meisha. She hasn't worn them in a while and it's a little weird at first, but I like them and I'm getting used to it again.
4. I am thankful we found a power station to take pictures at. I think they are going to turn out really cool after I get done making them look cool.
5. I am thankful for Photoshop. Every time I find the time to play with it, I learn more and more new things.
6. I am thankful for leftover alcohol from New Year's. I wouldn't have wanted to buy any, but it made fingerpainting and sculpting a lot funner!
7. I am thankful for fingerpainting. Even if the picture looks dumb, it's still a heck of a lot of fun smearing paint around.
8. I am thankful we found clay at Target last night. We've been looking for some clay to try to sculpt with and couldn't find any anywhere. Go figure, it was at Target.
9. I am thankful for Larry. We're going to have a beautiful, long lasting friendship.
10. I am thankful that Meisha let me take "halftime" pictures and didn't get mad when I posted them on Blogger. They make me smile.

Day Ten

1. I am thankful I could sleep long enough this morning to take most of my headache away.
2. I am thankful for reading. I'm glad I finally realized that I'm OK with it. I've really missed out on a lot of quality book reading. I'm happy that I still have many years to catch up.
3. I am thankful that I know how to do the finance manager's job. Candace was really busy today, so I went through all the paperwork with my customers for her. It saved the customers a lot of time, saved me a stress headache and saved Candace .... I don't know. Something.
4. I am thankful we had Quizno's for lunch today. It's a good free lunch to have. I like it any time I get free lunch.
5. I am thankful that I sold a car, YET AGAIN today.
6. I am thankful that Ricardo did most of the work on the car I sold today. I pretty much talked to the customer on the phone yesterday and handed her the keys today .... and GOT PAID to do that.
7. I am thankful that my iPhone didn't get shattered last night like Meisha's did. I still feel really bad about that, but I guess I'm glad it wasn't mine.
8. I am thankful that I spent the whole morning thinking it was Friday and then found out it was Saturday. It was pretty sweet realizing that I don't have to work tomorrow.
9. I am thankful that Ace of Base isn't popular music anymore. Enough said.
10. I am thankful for all the crazy amounts of fun Meisha and I are going to have doing (insert some spectacularly fun activity here) tonight. I'm obviously not sure what it will be yet, but I'm sure it will be great fun and I'm sure I'll be thankful for it. =)

Day Nine

1. I am thakful for free cappuccinos once again. I'm really thankful for those. We have the same machine in the dealership that gas stations charge you $1.80+ for a cup. I get them free - and all I want. YIPPEE!!!

2. I am thankful for good music. I can shut the door to my office and listen to music on my laptop while I work. If I had to hear Cher serenade me one more time I might have lost it.

3. I am thankful that Blogger works at my work. Facebook, Myspace, YouTube and the like are blocked. I know I should be working every second of the day, but sometimes it's real nice to put down the phone and write out some thankful thoughts every once in a while.

4. I am thankful that Candace was able to get an approval for my customers on a Frontier. There were tons of people that wanted that truck, but my customers really deserved it the most. It made me happy to see them get it.

5. I am thankful that I sold ANOTHER car today. Maybe if I keep saying how thankful I am to sell cars, I'll just keep selling them. That works for me.

6. I am thankful that we had enough money to get Meisha's hair cut. She literally hasn't had a hair cut since we moved to St. George. I feel bad about that, but it's all good now.

7. I am thankful that the color I picked out for Meisha's hair turned out well. I really didn't know what color to pick (and she surely didn't either). I was really nervous, but it looks AWESOME. I'm happy.

8. I am thankful that Meisha got a free piercing with her hair cut/color. That was an unexpected surprise.

9. I am thankful the people at Sinful Pleasures Salon are cool. It's actually a nice place for guys to wait for girls to get their hair cut. They have a big screen TV and XBox in a waiting room where we hung out with everyone (customers and friends?) while we waited for Meisha's hair to dye. It was definitely a different but cool hair experience. We'll be back.

10. I am thankful that I found a DVD rip of Igor. I haven't watched it yet and actually forgot it existed. I'm a sucker for kid's movies, plus Steve Buscemi is in it. I'm a big fan.