Learning Fear

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I ventured out by myself because I had nowhere else to go. The place I was headed called me. I loaded up a backpack and headed up into the high mountains of Mukuntuweep. As I began my hike, I realized I was really doing this alone. No one was here to guide me through. No one to talk to (other than myself). I must have come to learn a lesson. What was the lesson?.....

I trekked past many people, giving them polite nods and testing different smiles. The way you smile determines how a person reacts to you. Interestingly, the same smile you give may produce different reactions from different people. The way a person reacts teaches you a small amount about who that person is. For some, a smile is positive and for some a smile is negative. Others choose to ignore it, or even ignore you.

People approach fear and challenges differently. Some confront it because it's the “cool” or “popular” thing to do. Others are overcoming their own personal limitations or inner demons. When you choose to confront your own fear or death, some people applaud you. Other people tell you how stupid or how lucky you were. Others may even look down on you and tell you that you're being irresponsible. The way people react to your fear tells you about that person. The way you perceive their reaction tells you about yourself and your understanding of your fear.

I walked away from the crowds and journeyed in the opposite direction. My quest was different. I didn't intend to overcome fear. Only to learn from and experience the earth. A few miles into my trek, I encountered a weary traveler. I nodded and he only slightly acknowledged me and continued drinking his water. After another mile, my timer went off. It was time to head back if I was going to catch the last bus out of the canyon. On my return, I encountered the traveler again. This time he stopped me and wanted to talk to me. He was weary because he had loaded his pack too heavily. He was afraid he wouldn't make it to his camp by nightfall. I gave him some advice and encouragement. I also let him know that if he got too tired, there were several good spots to sleep off the side of the trail ahead. He thanked me and I continued down.

As I came upon the landing, I realized it was dusk. If I climbed the landing, it would be dark as I reached the top. I didn't think much of it and started climbing. I was making great progress and then I stopped. REALITY CHECK. I noticed immediately ahead of me the trail was a rock bridge. 3 feet wide with a chain on the left. The sides.... an 800 foot drop to the right and 1200 to the left. One slip at any time during the rest of the way... means death. For real this time. This was the first time I truly feared for my life. Sure, I had lived a life up until this point filled with near death experiences. But this time was different. All of the near death experiences I had in my life occurred during a very dark time in my mind. During that time, it made no difference whether I lived or died. I felt that if I died, it would be a “convenient” way to end my suffering in this lifetime.

Tonight, I didn't want to die. I didn't understand it, but I realized that I wanted to live.... and fear became real. I turned around.

After only two steps, I stopped. I leaned against the canyon wall. The chain here was against the wall and there was nothing holding me back from the 1200 foot shear drop 3 feet in front of me. “What am I doing?” I asked myself. “Do I really want to do this? ....and why would I want to do this? There's nobody here. Nobody for miles. If I fell or was hurt, no one would know. If I slipped... if I died, no one would know. It would just be me. Here. ALONE.” I closed my eyes, gripped the chain, and leaned forward. If I let go, I would die. I smiled and took several deep breaths. I leaned back against the cliff and thought “This is the first time I've felt real fear. If I turn around, I will regret it. Forever. I may be faced with fear again, but it will be even more difficult next time. In order to overcome my fears I must acknowledge them, but not fight them. I must move with them and allow the natural path laid beneath the fears to guide me. How can I ever overcome the smaller fears I have in life if I can't recognize the emotion? I need to learn from fear.” I stepped forward. And moved on.

As I climbed it became darker and darker. I reached the landing just before dark. I sat, and watched the valley turn to black. I watched the glow of the lights below become brighter and brighter. I looked around and noticed the mountains were showing their auras to me. Black silhouettes against a beautifully colored glowing dark sky. I smiled and laid on my back.

“Where is the moon?” I wondered. “I was counting on it's light.” I looked around and didn't see the moon anywhere. I realized something. I was among such big cliffs, the moon wouldn't show for several more hours. I began my climb down.

I sensed and felt my way down the rocky cliff line with both hands and feet. I began inching down a particularly steep section of rock and I slipped. My spirit left my body. It returned a few seconds later when I realized I was still on top of the cliff. “Hello, fear.” I said to myself and kept moving. I made it to the bottom of the landing and felt overcome with exhilaration. I moved on.

I decided to run. I didn't know why. It just seemed like the appropriate thing to do. I hit the switchbacks and enjoyed skidding at the the transition of each, hardly noticing how dark it was. As I came out of the last switchback, I realized where I was heading next....

I entered the dark canyon. It was a black I have never known. The canyon walls rose over 100 feet on each side, blocking moon and starlight; creating real blackness. No man made interference here, just natural blackness. The path glowed through the black abyss that never seemed to end. As the tribal drums increased, I began to run. I was running down the path confronting the world head on.... and I was going to win. As I was running, I noticed a set of eyes in the darkness. Staring at.... me.

“No.” I told myself. “It's a reflector from a sign... or a light spot on the rock glowing.... or an animal... but the eyes are too far apart. And they're moving.... watching. Don't watch them. They'll know you're here. Just keep running. There is an end to this trail. And don't pay attention to all those people sitting on the rocks and everything else you've noticed as you've been thinking about this. They mean you no harm.”

As I continued running and trying to ignore the now hundreds of people I'd noticed around me, I saw something. “What was that?” I said as quietly as I could inside my head. “I began to experience a new energy. One that I thought only existed in tortured realities. This thing did not want me here. In fact, it was downright angry that I existed here. Now. In it's space.

“I may die.” I thought. I decided the only way to get through this was to move with it. “Don't fight it.” I reminded myself. I knew I had to speak out loud. I said “I know you see me. And I know you know I see you. I also know you want to hurt me. I'm just passing through. I am here to learn. I mean you no harm. Please allow me to learn and move along. I'm just passing through. I'm just passing through. I'm just passing...”

Just then I heard “...and we make a road for the spirits to pass over.” And the run became different. As I passed the energy, it just crouched and stared. It's malicious gaze followed me as I ran past. The wind picked up with amazing force and I exited the canyon.

I sprinted down the last mile of the trail. Feeling and experiencing a new found heartbeat. I made it to the bottom. Once again, I laid on my back. This time, staring at the landing from ground level.

I breathed.

And I went home.