Clarity, Creation and Choice

Last night, I came in to a moment of clarity. It was beautiful. I could see and feel and experience more than I ever dreamed possible. I started regressing in to old childhood memories. Some good. Some bad. I remembered slide shows growing up and remembered memories of pictures shown in those slide shows. I remembered when those slide shows stopped. I remembered getting sick. I remembered fainting. I realized that last night was the first time I've ever sat in a "crowded" room and didn't feel threatened, on singled out, or horrified beyond description. I just felt observed. But why? They were there to see the same thing I was there for. A moment of clarity.

Realizing there is energy in water makes it real. Realizing that water is not the only energy in the world makes the air real. Realizing the air is not the only energy makes smoke real. Realizing that the smoke is of the same energy and has a creator makes the coal and the spark real. What an amazingly minute cluster of combustible energy! Realizing that the spark is of the same energy means creator and created are of the same energy. Realizing the spark is not the only energy makes the entire world real.

Later, I realized there was a familiar energy in the room. The events surrounding the realization of that energy are so blurry, I cannot recount them. I also do not know if this familiar energy was from within or without, or if it matters.

I was overcome with a wave of sickness. I tried to convince myself I had the will to push through it. I tried to convince myself that sickness can be purely mental and with enough thought, the mind can overpower the body. I tried. But I was forcing. I was an immovable force. The choice had been made (from within or without makes no difference, either way the choice was mine). I decided to stop fighting. I decided to let come what may.

I threw up. I laid in bed. I spiraled in to darkness. And sleep.

More to come.