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A Dream

I was walking up a trail with my boss. We were on on our way to something and at this particular point, it didn't matter to me where that was. Along the way, we had another responsibility: the lady who normally cared for certain areas of the trees and shrubs along the side of the trail was sick. We needed to make sure that her job was done in her absence.

The trail was long and winding with many switchbacks. It alternated between dirt and pavement and went up a mountain. The plant life on the side was indigenous to the area, but was landscaped and in a pattern. As we were walking up, I realized that I'd been up this trail many times before and knew it well. In fact, I realized that I had memorized every particular portion of the trail that the sick woman was responsible to care for. The two that I remember were 1) A small repeating pattern found many times along side the trail in which a Bonsai tree is the defining characteristic. There were a few other shrubs around the tree that made the pattern recognizable, but the important part to me seemed to be the Bonsai tree. Every time we came by this pattern, the trees always looked identical and the shrubs were always meticulously planted to look identical as well. 2) A larger tree, maybe 10-12 feet in height with twisting branches and not a noticeably large amount of leaves (similar to a Bonsai, but with smoother bark).

As we were walking, I was seeing images of the woman caring for the trees flash through my head. It seemed I was recalling these images so that I could make sure we cared for all the exact same areas she did. Her work was very important to her and I appreciated that. I didn't know who she was, or even what her name was, but I remembered seeing her hard at work on the side of the trail often as I would walk up. I remembered seeing her on her knees, digging around in the dirt at the Bonsai patterns. I remembered seeing her up in the trees with pruning clippers. She would wear a large hat that shielded her face from the sun and always wore work gloves. She had darker skin, although, I wasn't sure if she was Asian or Spanish. I remembered that I would acknowledge her every time that I had walked by her on the trail in the past. We never spoke, I would simply nod my head and she would do the same.

I started thinking about the fact that we had now walked past several of the spots that the woman had cared for and hadn't stopped at any of them. We didn't even have clippers or any other tools to be able to do her job. Then I thought to myself “She just did this work yesterday, how much can shrubs and trees grow in a day anyway? Seriously, some times you're just way too analytical.”

Just then, my boss veered to the right down some stair that led to a beach.

“Were you at the 'Wedding a-la Z?” (*side note- this is my boss in my waking life and he is some times referred to as “Z” and is not married) and I said “Yeah, I was.” as I thought to myself: “You spent a large majority of your time talking with me at your wedding, you dumb ass.”

“It was where we first met, you know.” he said, referring to his new wife.

“Yeah, I know.” I replied. He must have told me that 2 or 3 times at the wedding, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking he may have been to drunk to remember.

We walked along the beach for a short while and came to some bleachers. There were a few people sitting down, waiting for the show to begin and a man was standing up front. He was wearing a suit and holding a microphone. We sat down, but only for a minute. We got back up with several other people and headed to a drinking fountain. There was something odd about the fountain, although I can't really place what it would be. It was made of stone or cement and shaped like a large block with the spout in the middle. Nothing real unusual. As we made our way to the fountain, the group split in to two lines and alternated turns. One line approached the fountain from the front and one from the side. The people were very solemn as they drank from this fountain and it seemed almost ceremonial. When my turn to drink came, I walked up to the fountain, pretended to drink from it and moved on. I wondered if anyone had noticed that I didn't actually drink.

We sat back down at the bleachers and the man in the suit began his presentation. He was trying to teach us something or motivate us, I'm not exactly sure which. I became quickly disinterested in what he had to say as I had heard these types of things many times before. I could tell my boss was not very interested either.

I woke up inside a container. It was pitch black and as I kicked the walls, it seemed round and quite small. I was inside with another person, but I'm not sure who it was. I'm also not sure if they were unconscious or dead. The container was just big enough to hold the two of us or maybe three if we didn't need to move. I began to kick the walls violently and became very angry “THIS IS FUCKED UP!!!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. I could feel my throat burning and could tell if I kept yelling this loud I would certainly lose my voice, but I didn't care. “THERE ISN'T ANY GREEN HERE! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! THERE ISN'T ANY GREEN AT ALL!!!”

I kicked the lid off. It was dark outside and I saw someone running out of the corner of my eye. They were darting between the containers and I was not supposed to see them. The person ran past as I was trying to climb out of the container. I couldn't make out much more than just the person's silhouette as it was quite dark and my eyes were still adjusting. After I got out, I saw the shadowy figure again and tackled it.

It was a young man, but he was not human. He had black eyes and seemed almost lizard-like. He wore a flannel shirt and seemed like he didn't live anywhere and may not have showered for days. I had him in a head lock on the ground and had a knife to his throat (I have no idea where the knife came from). His head was cocked back and he was staring in to the sky with an un-blinking look of panic on his face.

I used a very grim guttural voice and told him “I know what you're up to and I'm going to fucking kill you.” He didn't move or say anything, he just stared up with the same look of panic. I realized that I had no idea what he was up to and that I didn't feel very good about lying about it. I flipped around on top of him and pressed my forearm in to his throat to choke him. (*I started waking up at this point and was only half-dreaming and very lucid by now.) “If you don't tell me what you're up to I'm going to gut you like a fucking fish, do you understand?!” As I heard the words come out of my mouth, they didn't even feel like words I would say, but more words I would hear in a movie and had just repeated them because it was what I thought one ought to say when in my particular position.

I woke up. My body was extremely hot and my skin felt as though it was burning, but I wasn't sweating. I laid in bed for a while, thinking about the dream I'd just had. Then I walked to my computer and began typing....

Learning Fear

(Click picture for a bigger version)

I ventured out by myself because I had nowhere else to go. The place I was headed called me. I loaded up a backpack and headed up into the high mountains of Mukuntuweep. As I began my hike, I realized I was really doing this alone. No one was here to guide me through. No one to talk to (other than myself). I must have come to learn a lesson. What was the lesson?.....

I trekked past many people, giving them polite nods and testing different smiles. The way you smile determines how a person reacts to you. Interestingly, the same smile you give may produce different reactions from different people. The way a person reacts teaches you a small amount about who that person is. For some, a smile is positive and for some a smile is negative. Others choose to ignore it, or even ignore you.

People approach fear and challenges differently. Some confront it because it's the “cool” or “popular” thing to do. Others are overcoming their own personal limitations or inner demons. When you choose to confront your own fear or death, some people applaud you. Other people tell you how stupid or how lucky you were. Others may even look down on you and tell you that you're being irresponsible. The way people react to your fear tells you about that person. The way you perceive their reaction tells you about yourself and your understanding of your fear.

I walked away from the crowds and journeyed in the opposite direction. My quest was different. I didn't intend to overcome fear. Only to learn from and experience the earth. A few miles into my trek, I encountered a weary traveler. I nodded and he only slightly acknowledged me and continued drinking his water. After another mile, my timer went off. It was time to head back if I was going to catch the last bus out of the canyon. On my return, I encountered the traveler again. This time he stopped me and wanted to talk to me. He was weary because he had loaded his pack too heavily. He was afraid he wouldn't make it to his camp by nightfall. I gave him some advice and encouragement. I also let him know that if he got too tired, there were several good spots to sleep off the side of the trail ahead. He thanked me and I continued down.

As I came upon the landing, I realized it was dusk. If I climbed the landing, it would be dark as I reached the top. I didn't think much of it and started climbing. I was making great progress and then I stopped. REALITY CHECK. I noticed immediately ahead of me the trail was a rock bridge. 3 feet wide with a chain on the left. The sides.... an 800 foot drop to the right and 1200 to the left. One slip at any time during the rest of the way... means death. For real this time. This was the first time I truly feared for my life. Sure, I had lived a life up until this point filled with near death experiences. But this time was different. All of the near death experiences I had in my life occurred during a very dark time in my mind. During that time, it made no difference whether I lived or died. I felt that if I died, it would be a “convenient” way to end my suffering in this lifetime.

Tonight, I didn't want to die. I didn't understand it, but I realized that I wanted to live.... and fear became real. I turned around.

After only two steps, I stopped. I leaned against the canyon wall. The chain here was against the wall and there was nothing holding me back from the 1200 foot shear drop 3 feet in front of me. “What am I doing?” I asked myself. “Do I really want to do this? ....and why would I want to do this? There's nobody here. Nobody for miles. If I fell or was hurt, no one would know. If I slipped... if I died, no one would know. It would just be me. Here. ALONE.” I closed my eyes, gripped the chain, and leaned forward. If I let go, I would die. I smiled and took several deep breaths. I leaned back against the cliff and thought “This is the first time I've felt real fear. If I turn around, I will regret it. Forever. I may be faced with fear again, but it will be even more difficult next time. In order to overcome my fears I must acknowledge them, but not fight them. I must move with them and allow the natural path laid beneath the fears to guide me. How can I ever overcome the smaller fears I have in life if I can't recognize the emotion? I need to learn from fear.” I stepped forward. And moved on.

As I climbed it became darker and darker. I reached the landing just before dark. I sat, and watched the valley turn to black. I watched the glow of the lights below become brighter and brighter. I looked around and noticed the mountains were showing their auras to me. Black silhouettes against a beautifully colored glowing dark sky. I smiled and laid on my back.

“Where is the moon?” I wondered. “I was counting on it's light.” I looked around and didn't see the moon anywhere. I realized something. I was among such big cliffs, the moon wouldn't show for several more hours. I began my climb down.

I sensed and felt my way down the rocky cliff line with both hands and feet. I began inching down a particularly steep section of rock and I slipped. My spirit left my body. It returned a few seconds later when I realized I was still on top of the cliff. “Hello, fear.” I said to myself and kept moving. I made it to the bottom of the landing and felt overcome with exhilaration. I moved on.

I decided to run. I didn't know why. It just seemed like the appropriate thing to do. I hit the switchbacks and enjoyed skidding at the the transition of each, hardly noticing how dark it was. As I came out of the last switchback, I realized where I was heading next....

I entered the dark canyon. It was a black I have never known. The canyon walls rose over 100 feet on each side, blocking moon and starlight; creating real blackness. No man made interference here, just natural blackness. The path glowed through the black abyss that never seemed to end. As the tribal drums increased, I began to run. I was running down the path confronting the world head on.... and I was going to win. As I was running, I noticed a set of eyes in the darkness. Staring at.... me.

“No.” I told myself. “It's a reflector from a sign... or a light spot on the rock glowing.... or an animal... but the eyes are too far apart. And they're moving.... watching. Don't watch them. They'll know you're here. Just keep running. There is an end to this trail. And don't pay attention to all those people sitting on the rocks and everything else you've noticed as you've been thinking about this. They mean you no harm.”

As I continued running and trying to ignore the now hundreds of people I'd noticed around me, I saw something. “What was that?” I said as quietly as I could inside my head. “I began to experience a new energy. One that I thought only existed in tortured realities. This thing did not want me here. In fact, it was downright angry that I existed here. Now. In it's space.

“I may die.” I thought. I decided the only way to get through this was to move with it. “Don't fight it.” I reminded myself. I knew I had to speak out loud. I said “I know you see me. And I know you know I see you. I also know you want to hurt me. I'm just passing through. I am here to learn. I mean you no harm. Please allow me to learn and move along. I'm just passing through. I'm just passing through. I'm just passing...”

Just then I heard “...and we make a road for the spirits to pass over.” And the run became different. As I passed the energy, it just crouched and stared. It's malicious gaze followed me as I ran past. The wind picked up with amazing force and I exited the canyon.

I sprinted down the last mile of the trail. Feeling and experiencing a new found heartbeat. I made it to the bottom. Once again, I laid on my back. This time, staring at the landing from ground level.

I breathed.

And I went home.

The Healer

PLEASE READ FIRST!

The above story was taken from an automatic writing session done at 3:00am on 6/8/9. It's a little weird, I didn't know what was written until I re-read it later that day. It's a little long and, should you choose to read it, I suggested you consider the "IMPORTANT MESSAGE" on the right side of this page. Proceed with caution.

Clarity, Creation and Choice

Last night, I came in to a moment of clarity. It was beautiful. I could see and feel and experience more than I ever dreamed possible. I started regressing in to old childhood memories. Some good. Some bad. I remembered slide shows growing up and remembered memories of pictures shown in those slide shows. I remembered when those slide shows stopped. I remembered getting sick. I remembered fainting. I realized that last night was the first time I've ever sat in a "crowded" room and didn't feel threatened, on singled out, or horrified beyond description. I just felt observed. But why? They were there to see the same thing I was there for. A moment of clarity.

Realizing there is energy in water makes it real. Realizing that water is not the only energy in the world makes the air real. Realizing the air is not the only energy makes smoke real. Realizing that the smoke is of the same energy and has a creator makes the coal and the spark real. What an amazingly minute cluster of combustible energy! Realizing that the spark is of the same energy means creator and created are of the same energy. Realizing the spark is not the only energy makes the entire world real.

Later, I realized there was a familiar energy in the room. The events surrounding the realization of that energy are so blurry, I cannot recount them. I also do not know if this familiar energy was from within or without, or if it matters.

I was overcome with a wave of sickness. I tried to convince myself I had the will to push through it. I tried to convince myself that sickness can be purely mental and with enough thought, the mind can overpower the body. I tried. But I was forcing. I was an immovable force. The choice had been made (from within or without makes no difference, either way the choice was mine). I decided to stop fighting. I decided to let come what may.

I threw up. I laid in bed. I spiraled in to darkness. And sleep.

More to come.

It's been far too long.....

since I've written anything on this blog. Over a month in fact. Is it because I'm not that optimistic anymore? Is it because I've undergone whatever change I've been looking for? Is it just because I like cookie dough? or eggs? or Cheeze-Its? or....... I think I'll just write something. Soon. Not this. Something else. Soon. Stay tuned. Be patient. Or don't be. It's up to you.

2 AM Rant

I am lost, but not. I know where I'm going. I just don't know the path to get there. Everything feels so right and everything feels so wrong all at the same time. I love my life and hate it. I want to live and I want to die.

I don't know who "I" am, and I know exactly who "I" am. I know that not knowing is ok and actually much closer to knowing the true self than constantly "searching" for who "I" am and what the label "I" represents. I comfortable with that idea.

I don't want to know who "I" am anymore, I just want to be. The problem I'm having is that I find myself not enjoying being far too often. I feel the reason for that is because I don't want to be who or where I am now, but I want to be somewhere or something else as I don't find the present moment enjoyable.

So the times when I don't enjoy the present moment and the times when I'm not actually in it.

In order to go where I am going, I need to be where I am. There is no other way to get there. I'm realizing that I've spent a large majority of my life living in the future (the past too, but the future is where I spend most my time). I create some great big idea or concept or goal and tell everyone I'm going to do this or that or be here or there. I spend so much time "going to" that I never get there.

This time, I want to get there. This time I will get there. If it kills me, I will get there. I'm understanding that the only way to do that is to take charge of the present moment and accept that I am where I am and I cannot change that without action.

Action - I just looked up "action" in the dictionary because I felt an overwhelming need to. The first definition for action is something done (usually as opposed to something said). Appropriate? Yes.

So I have a new creed when it comes to creating my future. Talk means nothing. Talk is simply sounds jumbled together to describe an idea. Written words are just shapes jumbled together to describe an idea. Action changes present and affects future. If I don't like my present situation, I need to act on it.

I'm tired of sitting around waiting for myself to get it.