2 AM Rant

I am lost, but not. I know where I'm going. I just don't know the path to get there. Everything feels so right and everything feels so wrong all at the same time. I love my life and hate it. I want to live and I want to die.

I don't know who "I" am, and I know exactly who "I" am. I know that not knowing is ok and actually much closer to knowing the true self than constantly "searching" for who "I" am and what the label "I" represents. I comfortable with that idea.

I don't want to know who "I" am anymore, I just want to be. The problem I'm having is that I find myself not enjoying being far too often. I feel the reason for that is because I don't want to be who or where I am now, but I want to be somewhere or something else as I don't find the present moment enjoyable.

So the times when I don't enjoy the present moment and the times when I'm not actually in it.

In order to go where I am going, I need to be where I am. There is no other way to get there. I'm realizing that I've spent a large majority of my life living in the future (the past too, but the future is where I spend most my time). I create some great big idea or concept or goal and tell everyone I'm going to do this or that or be here or there. I spend so much time "going to" that I never get there.

This time, I want to get there. This time I will get there. If it kills me, I will get there. I'm understanding that the only way to do that is to take charge of the present moment and accept that I am where I am and I cannot change that without action.

Action - I just looked up "action" in the dictionary because I felt an overwhelming need to. The first definition for action is something done (usually as opposed to something said). Appropriate? Yes.

So I have a new creed when it comes to creating my future. Talk means nothing. Talk is simply sounds jumbled together to describe an idea. Written words are just shapes jumbled together to describe an idea. Action changes present and affects future. If I don't like my present situation, I need to act on it.

I'm tired of sitting around waiting for myself to get it.

Life, Death and Rebirth

Here are a few things I've discovered lately:

1. I died
2. I have been very lost and confused.
3. I have been wandering in post-death contemplation without realizing that I've been contemplating post-death.
4. I haven't been born yet.
5. To be born, I must enter a parallel reality.
6. My life and my death have been specifically designed to prepare me for entrance into this parallel reality.
7. This reality has shown itself to me. And it feels fantastic just to think about.

I printed our passport applications today.

No more waiting.....

I am prepared to live.

Now.

True Focus

Here's a little pic I drew to help myself remember the feeling of true focus. Some day, there will be a digital Photoshopped version, but that may take some time. So for now, this is it.

And so it begins. Tonight I travel to the mountains of Zion. Goodbye.

Journey to the Seventh Level

The following is taken from my "Thought journal" during an all night meditation/contemplation session:

I find myself having the desire to cry more and more often. I haven't yet given in to this desire. I believe the reason is simply a lack of understanding.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm starting to feel and understand death and sadness for the first time. It's not a bad thing. It just is. I am going to die. This is an undeniable truth that I must accept at this juncture.

Death is just the beginning. The other day, I saw a tunnel moving forward and backward at the same time. This grew faster and faster until it ended in an explosion of light. What is the light? It is so many things that it cannot be accurately described in an allotted amount of time. In short, it is death. It is birth. It is myself. It is yourself. It is life. It is God. The list goes on for eternity. All objects, images, people, things, occurrences, instances, problems, situations, solutions, and thoughts are one and the same. This explosion of light is all things.

When I press hard on my eyes, I see things. I see these explosions of light. I see brilliant colors. This is nothing new to me. Recently, I've discovered that I also see a grid. It starts out up close with larger squares. The harder I look and the harder I push, the more the field expands. The squares become smaller. If I look hard enough, the field becomes infinite. The squares begin to lose form, but they're still there. I feel them. There is no denying their existence. There is no denying their intrinsic meaning. What is their meaning? Apparently, I do not need to know at this time. I only need to know of their place in my world and that, for some reason, I allow them to be there. I feel them into existence.

I'm learning that I can manipulate certain aspects of my appearance through thought. I recently came to the conclusion that I needed to change my own mental body-image. I willed a shift. The next day, when I went to work, the first thing that was said to me was "You look skinnier." Now, I don't discount the fact that I've had a dramatic change in physical activity lately and that this change has facilitated a weight loss process, but the change was not publicly noticeable until I accepted it and willed it so. I've also realized that Meisha had noticed a change earlier and I believe this is because the same shift was much easier and less conscious at home, but nonetheless, the results are the same.

I'm experimenting with sleep and the necessity of it; or more interestingly, the lack or abundance there of and the purpose each serves the mind. I understand the purpose that sleep should have for the body, but I feel in many ways, even that is a debatable opinion.

When all factors are considered, sleep has served dual purposes in my life. It has become my enemy and best friend. After all, there is duality in all things. It has been my savior, my escape from reality, my safe place, my rejuvenation. On the other hand, it has largely aided in the demise of the relationship I have with Meisha. It has prevented morning ritual and exercise, and has prevented personal progression.

Now, here's where thought becomes intriguing. "Sleep" can be just another word for "Me" or "My" or "I" or "Ego". After all, all things are one and the same. Now look at the previous paragraph with that in mind:

When all factors are considered, I have served dual purposes in my life. I have become my enemy and best friend. After all, there is duality in all things. I have been my savior, my escape from reality, my safe place, my rejuvenation. On the other hand, I have largely aided in the demise of the relationship I have with Meisha. I have prevented morning ritual and exercise, and I have prevented personal progression.

For my entire life, I've always looked for things and circumstances to blame. The blame doesn't lie with these things or circumstances. It lies with me. These things and circumstances may have caused the problems in my life, but I created them (things, circumstances and problems). I willed them into existence.

*My problem with sleep is self-inflicted and self-created to serve it's purpose to the ego. And so the meaning and relevance of sleep begins to blur.

Through meditation, I was able to briefly visit the 7th level of awareness. In this place I met a guide. I asked him if he had any words to share with me. This is what he had to say:

All things are equal. Become one with nature. Do not depart. Feel the sensations and vibrations that these great Mountains fill you up with. They are here for you. They were made for you. BY YOU. You love the Mountains and I know that. Welcome Home.

Energy

Thoughts while walking to the grocery store 3/15/09

Isn't it interesting that we ingest drinks and pills called "energy"?

Isn't it interesting that many are developing an "energy addiction". Parents are steering their kids away from this energy for fear that their little bodies won't be able to handle this energy in such intense amounts?

Are we compensating for something? Is that why the sudden craze and addiction to "energy"? Are we trying to raise our vibration level via increase in heart rate and blood flow by ingesting these "energy" solutions?

It has been scientifically proven that the earth has a base vibration. For years it has been vibrating at 7.8 times per second. This vibration was believed to be constant and unwavering. Recently, it has been discovered that the earth's vibration has been increased to 8.6 times per second and rising. Are we desperately seeking ways to keep up with this shift in energy and frequency?

What happens if we can't keep up?

There is a new belief system formulating. Society will try to label it. They may try to call it "religion" and try to establish hierarchy and order to this set of beliefs. Those who truly believe in this "new" set if principles will refuse to be labeled as they will understand that a label is just an outside attempt to comprehend the world they've created for themselves. Labels are meaningless.

Whatever IS just IS. Whatever WILL BE just IS.

I've realized that things I put out there in my blogs happen. I'm not talking about recollection of past experience, but of expression of desire for future experience. IT'S HAPPENING.

The amount of sleep I will be getting will cease to have meaning. I am drifting towards insanity.

Days have become irrelevant

The following are thoughts and images from my first day of truly being "alone". I spent my entire day wandering, wondering and observing in silence. 3/15/09

==The world seems different.==

^Animals react differently towards me. v

Possessions are meaningless here.

Trees adjust according to the environmental changes around them. They don't fight it. They just grow. They continually grow and change. They shed old habits and old skin. Their growths is facilitated through cycles. These cycles coincide with the seasons and vibrations of the earth. Trees do not wonder why the earth is doing what it's doing. They simply adjust with the earth. They become the earth.

The trees surrounding the church are dead and lifeless. They are holding on to old dead leaves. They will not let go. The trees at the school across the street are in full bloom. They smell beautiful. They will soon grow green and full to provide for and with their environment.


I learned an interesting thing just now. I forgot to bring my wallet with me and I've grown very hungry and thirsty. I was faced with a decision. Do I take the long walk home to get my wallet and then walk back to the food? Or can I be resourceful and create food and drink for myself? I chose the second option. I was able to manipulate data and energy to cause people at a restaurant to prepare food and drink for me. I did this without using physical "money", rendering it irrelevant to the situation.

I have been born into a world where formless takes form. And I choose the form it takes.

I've created a world bigger than my perception or comprehension. The only thing I need to think about is where I am, NOW.

Walking several miles at a time has become increasingly less difficult. Walking has become a natural state of being. Transportation devices are unnecessary as they have lost their meaning.

Clothes have taken on a unique new representation of expressionism. They are humanity's unique attempt to connect with their sense of self and self image. When this is shared with the world, the sense of self is elevated. Sometimes quite falsely.

Face to face interaction with human beings can be terrifying and confusing when in my current state of mind.

==Life is always meant to be the way it is now.==
===>You created it. You MEANT it to be.<===

Sometimes I leave energy behind. When I pass through it, I receive instant recollection of the event that took place in that location. The thoughts and feelings are recreated within me. I attach the energies to inanimate objects. They serve as visual cues or triggers. I wonder: if someone sees or picks up that object can they see or experience or feel the energy and experience I attached to that object? Can we see the past simply through the objects people choose to attach energy to?

I literally FEEL myself transferring to a different plane of existence. I am stepping out of the world I once new and was so attached to. My environment is losing relevance.

I've always viewed cemeteries as peaceful places. The souls of the "dead" do not reside there. They may appear there frequently because our focus of attention on them brings them to our plane of existence. The formless becomes form. And WE bring it there, not the hallowed cemetery grounds or gravestones.

I saw children fighting. Punching, hitting, slapping, kicking, hitting, tackling, yelling, screaming. Big ones attacked little one to exert dominance. Children are "supposed" to represent innocence, yet here they are, acting violently. Showing evidence of some of the deepest, nastiest tendencies in man kind. Are these actions learned? Are they FORCED by their environment? Why do some children, when faced with violence and adversity retreat to a reclusive state and harbor the acquired feelings within their now decaying host? Why do others lash out and exert these Angy feelings on the world, becoming monsters and patriarchal dictator-esque figures?

The same outside influence causes several very different reactions, depending on the entity being influenced.

The crows are gathering. I see more and more every day. They gather outside of rest homes. They gather in cemeteries and in the darkest, deadest trees they can. They sense a shift. They SEE ultraviolet light. Change is coming and it WILL NOT BE SMALL.

Things you've seen in the darkest of movies are going to come true. They will be accepted as common reality. There will be a day the earth goes dark. Morning will follow. Those who survive will peer out into the sunlight with bewildered confusion and absolute knowingness.