2 AM Rant

I am lost, but not. I know where I'm going. I just don't know the path to get there. Everything feels so right and everything feels so wrong all at the same time. I love my life and hate it. I want to live and I want to die.

I don't know who "I" am, and I know exactly who "I" am. I know that not knowing is ok and actually much closer to knowing the true self than constantly "searching" for who "I" am and what the label "I" represents. I comfortable with that idea.

I don't want to know who "I" am anymore, I just want to be. The problem I'm having is that I find myself not enjoying being far too often. I feel the reason for that is because I don't want to be who or where I am now, but I want to be somewhere or something else as I don't find the present moment enjoyable.

So the times when I don't enjoy the present moment and the times when I'm not actually in it.

In order to go where I am going, I need to be where I am. There is no other way to get there. I'm realizing that I've spent a large majority of my life living in the future (the past too, but the future is where I spend most my time). I create some great big idea or concept or goal and tell everyone I'm going to do this or that or be here or there. I spend so much time "going to" that I never get there.

This time, I want to get there. This time I will get there. If it kills me, I will get there. I'm understanding that the only way to do that is to take charge of the present moment and accept that I am where I am and I cannot change that without action.

Action - I just looked up "action" in the dictionary because I felt an overwhelming need to. The first definition for action is something done (usually as opposed to something said). Appropriate? Yes.

So I have a new creed when it comes to creating my future. Talk means nothing. Talk is simply sounds jumbled together to describe an idea. Written words are just shapes jumbled together to describe an idea. Action changes present and affects future. If I don't like my present situation, I need to act on it.

I'm tired of sitting around waiting for myself to get it.

Life, Death and Rebirth

Here are a few things I've discovered lately:

1. I died
2. I have been very lost and confused.
3. I have been wandering in post-death contemplation without realizing that I've been contemplating post-death.
4. I haven't been born yet.
5. To be born, I must enter a parallel reality.
6. My life and my death have been specifically designed to prepare me for entrance into this parallel reality.
7. This reality has shown itself to me. And it feels fantastic just to think about.

I printed our passport applications today.

No more waiting.....

I am prepared to live.

Now.